My struggles over the past 7 years include 2 kidney transplants that failed along with secondary issues: temporary diabetes, shingles, Guillian Bairre syndrom, CMV, blood clots and skin ulcers. After my last transplant, my fiscula clotted leaving me with no more options for accesses. And after the transplant failed, one of the local doctors gave me little hope of another transplant.
During the struggles when things got worse, I started to question my faith. With little hope from others, though, doubt starts to creep in.
Doubt is the opposite of faith. If faith is a hope for things that are true, can we, therefore, say that doubt is a hope for things that are false? Is that the same as a lack of hope?
Did I have no hope? Did I hope for things that were false? Did I hope for my trials? Or was the inevitable situation shown to me by the spirit: the truth that my trials are not over. This was the nature of my "faith crisis."
My conclusion is the latter. I certainly don't wish for my trials even though I am told they might happen. I have faith that it will only be temporary. Though it still begs the question, if trials are true and we have faith, does that mean we hope for them?
Not necessarily. Did prophets that foresaw possible destructive future events want them to happen? I don't think so. Revelation is a source of knowledge. And knowledge trumps faith leading us to responsibility. If that is the case, then what am I supposed to be responsible for? I am not sure yet. Maybe it is to help others as well as myself endure to the end.
I am on dialysis again now waiting for a 3rd transplant. I am in the hospital with a skin ulcer that got infected. Why am I going through all this? Why can't I just have a "normal" life. When will it be my turn? I do not know. I'm sure there is a reason for my trials, but I try to hold on to the fact that I know that there is more to my life to come. I am here for a purpose.
I will admit that I have thought about what it would be like on the other side of the veil. And honestly, I think I would be lonely. Even though I have family there. As alone as I may sometimes feel here, I know I am not. I also know that I haven't finished what I'm meant to do here. I can feel the spiritual potential in the air. I don't know why it's not my turn yet. The timing isn't right I suppose. Maybe the world isn't ready for me yet. But soon...
