Faith Through Doubt

My struggles over the past 7 years include 2 kidney transplants that failed along with secondary issues: temporary diabetes, shingles, Guillian Bairre syndrom, CMV, blood clots and skin ulcers. After my last transplant, my fiscula clotted leaving me with no more options for accesses. And after the transplant failed, one of the local doctors gave me little hope of another transplant.

During the struggles when things got worse, I started to question my faith. With little hope from others, though, doubt starts to creep in.
Doubt is the opposite of faith. If faith is a hope for things that are true, can we, therefore, say that doubt is a hope for things that are false? Is that the same as a lack of hope?

Did I have no hope? Did I hope for things that were false? Did I hope for my trials? Or was the inevitable situation shown to me by the spirit: the truth that my trials are not over. This was the nature of my "faith crisis."

My conclusion is the latter. I certainly don't wish for my trials even though I am told they might happen. I have faith that it will only be temporary. Though it still begs the question, if trials are true and we have faith, does that mean we hope for them?

Not necessarily. Did prophets that foresaw possible destructive future events want them to happen? I don't think so. Revelation is a source of knowledge. And knowledge trumps faith leading us to responsibility. If that is the case, then what am I supposed to be responsible for? I am not sure yet. Maybe it is to help others as well as myself endure to the end.

I am on dialysis again now waiting for a 3rd transplant. I am in the hospital with a skin ulcer that got infected. Why am I going through all this? Why can't I just have a "normal" life. When will it be my turn? I do not know. I'm sure there is a reason for my trials, but I try to hold on to the fact that I know that there is more to my life to come. I am here for a purpose.

I will admit that I have thought about what it would be like on the other side of the veil. And honestly, I think I would be lonely. Even though I have family there. As alone as I may sometimes feel here, I know I am not. I also know that I haven't finished what I'm meant to do here. I can feel the spiritual potential in the air. I don't know why it's not my turn yet. The timing isn't right I suppose. Maybe the world isn't ready for me yet. But soon...

Remembering our Covenants (DN VE6)

When we take the sacrament, we are to remember and renew our covanents. The following are the two sacramental prayers:

O God, the Eternal Father, we ask thee in the name of thy Son, Jesus Christ, to bless and sanctify this bread to the souls of all those who partake of it, that they may eat in remembrance of the body of thy Son, and witness unto thee, O God, the Eternal Father, that they are willing to take upon them the name of thy Son, and always remember him and keep his commandments which he has given them; that they may always have his Spirit to be with them. Amen.

O God, the Eternal Father, we ask thee in the name of thy Son, Jesus Christ, to bless and sanctify this wine to the souls of all those who drink of it, that they may do it in remembrance of the blood of thy Son, which was shed for them; that they may witness unto thee, O God, the Eternal Father, that they do always remember him, that they may have his Spirit to be with them. Amen.

We are to remember Christ and who we are as Christians including our devine nature and individual worth. When we are baptized, we promise to not only to keep the commandments but to help others in need. Christ taught that the first great commandment is to love God with all our hearts, and the second is to love our neighbors.

For Personal Progress, I am supposed to do something each day for 2 weeks to remember these things. For about 6 months now, I've had the Christian music channel on in the car so I listen to it to and from work everyday. It has helped me reflect, ponder, feel the spirit, and be in a more positive mood (even if I am not in a very positive one). It also reminds me that there are others out there that are good people and that the gospel is going forward. It inspires me to try to be a better person and to share the gospel as well.

Recognizing my Prince (DN VE5)

For the past several months, I have been working on the task of being a kinder and more patient person. Sometimes the ones we can most often overlook are the ones right in front of us. Bryan and I have been through a number of trials together since we have been married. It is definitely more difficult when we are both struggling because it is hard for one of us to help support the other.

It is also more difficult to forgive each other and ourselves. I find my self being angry that I feel alone in my trial and then angry because I can't be there for him to help him through his. When we got married, the spirit whispered to me to just love him. And in my last temple trip, the same spirit whispered to me to loose myself in the service of others.

I have been trying to find a way to serve him. I know I am here not to burden him, but to make him stronger. I am here to support him and to help him see his full potential.  And on that note, for Valentine's Day, I want to share what I know about this amazing man in my life:

He is son of God with a devine and royal birth right. He is being tested (as we all are) to prove his worthiness for the greater blessings that his Heavenly Father has in store for him. He is kind and slow to anger. He is intelligent and open to learning and improving himself. The name Bryan is Celtic meaning "brave or virtuous." He's not affraid of trying new things and finishes what he starts. He is a seeker of truth and he ponders the mysteries of the universe.

I couldn't have asked for a better companion to travel with through this unexpected journey. I see his potential and the prince that he is and hope he does to.

Nurturing Our Divine Nature (DN VE4)

After reading and listening to several talks on motherhood, two key elements are brought up time after time: to nuture and to teach. One definition of nurture that I found is: to care for and encourage the growth or development of.  This is a bigger concept than just the physical more obvious portion of nurturing that we think of. We are all different. Some women are highly affectionate. I am not one of those women. I can be affectionate when it is needed but I am definitely stronger in terms of mental and spiritual nurturing. And that is just as important. We need to teach and be examples of faith, wisdom, and charity.

On facebook I asked the question, "what do you feel are important attributes for being a mother?" The top answers were: patience, selflessness, and having a sense of humor.

I think if we haven't had an "opportunity" before to learn patience, we will with children. And a sense of humor is in essence seeing the world through God's eyes. I think it just comes down to selfless love: to be aware of the divine nature of another individual who is looking to you for guidance and to love them for who they are and who they can be. That is a skills I have been working on for sometime, and might never truly master.

I currently am overseeing 6 interns at work and have to help give them tasks based on their talents, interests, and commitment level.  It has given me some definite experience in teaching and helping others progress in their talents. It has also in many ways helped me to be patient and kind. And I look over them as I do all my friends. Though I can only show them the path; they are the ones that must choose to take it.